I will be the first to admit that this post is decidedly ONE SIDED and most likely favorably inclined toward my own veiwpoint, but this IS my journal. I only have my own experience and a few stories told to me by the other offended party, but in bridesmaidzilla’s defense, I will try to stick to her OWN words rather than paraphrasing her if at all possible. I am recording this experience purely for the sake of posterity, although I am keeping it public. Anyone can certainly comment if they wish, but it is not my expectation. That said…
Backstabbing, Butthurt, and Bridesmaids – oh my!
I had a rather frustrating experience recently when my best friend (Bride J) got married. This is my account of that experience in which I had to deal with her other best friend, Bridesmaidzilla C (henceforth to be known as BZC). Not only did I have to “deal” with this other friend, I had to listen to Bride J stress about all of the stuff BZC put her through without being able to speak my mind for MONTHS – don’t wanna rock the boat, you know. So, here is a list-style blow by blow of what happened. The timeline is not exact – but it’s close enough…
- Bride J and BZC are good friends. 20+ years.
- Bride J asks me to be her Matron of Honor instead of BZC. BZC is a bridesmaid. Butthurt ensues.
- BZC asks to be in charge of the bridal shower and I concede. I try to help out and get accused of trying to run HER show. I back off and get accused of not lifting a finger to help. A girl can’t win that battle. In fact – BZC asks me to go shopping with her on 3/26 to buy the stuff for the shower, then informs me on 3/24 that she already went. WTF? It was then I decided she really didn’t want my help, she just wanted to complain about me, therefore I would let her complain all she wanted.
- Bride J is pretty specific about what food she wants for HER bridal shower. BZC has a problem with this, but doesn’t say so until much later.
- BZC proceeds to talk shit about me for some reason. (Not sure what her beef is.)
- Bride J wants to do a scavenger hunt for her bachelorette party. I post to Facebook asking for ideas and get nothing. Finally, another Bridesmaid and I get together and come up with ideas. BZC has nothing to contribute. We soon find out why.
- BZC calls Bride J at work and chews her a new one because of the scavenger hunt idea. BZC has her leg in a cast and isn’t supposed to be walking on it. Bride J asks if her motorized scooter would be an option. BZC loses her shit and accuses Bride J of being insensitive. BZC cries and screams and then posts some cryptic passive-aggressive nonsense on facebook about it. Bride J is left upset and confused.
- BZC’s SISTER (WTF?) gets involved – writes Bride J a threatening email in which she threatens to chop off Bride J’s motherfucking LEG. BZC shrugs it off. I tell Bride J to call the police since she was directly threatened. Bride J doesn’t want to upset BZC, so even though she is afraid of this PSYCHO that is threatening her, she doesn’t tell the authorities.
- The bridal shower that BZC throws goes off without a hitch. Girl can plan a party, even if she has to create tons of drama around it. I’m glad it’s over.
- BZC gets (legitimately) ill and drops out of the wedding, but promises to help with other things such as making cupcakes and decorating.
- BZC continues to talk shit about me. I still don’t know what her beef is.
Let me just take a break from the list here and say – up to this point I am annoyed with the drama that BZC has created around me helping out with the shower as well as the unnecessary freakout she had about the scavenger hunt. Both of these things affect me personally since she is 1)accusing me of being first bossy, then lazy in the first instance and then 2)she doesn’t offer any suggestions on the scavenger hunt that I am organizing but still feels justified in flipping her lid over it. Again, I am annoyed and it’s obvious to me that she feels the world revolves around HER and HER bridal shower and HER foot problems and she has given no thought about the fact that this isn’t HER FUCKING WEDDING. She just wants things HER way. And can I just say – she was walking around JUST FINE at the bridal shower in her walking cast/boot. The scavenger hunt consisted of a list of things to spot at ONE bar. You just had to mark the items off a list. No hiking around necessary. But I digress… let’s get to the part that has less to do with me personally, but truly made me angry instead of just annoyed:
What friends don’t do:
- BZC has backed out of the wedding because of her illness. She offers to donate her dress (what else would she do with it?!), but Bride J isn’t able to find a replacement bridesmaid that could fit into that large of a size. She finds a new bridesmaid who has to purchase a whole new dress.
- Day of the bachelorette party arrives. Bride J calls BZC a few times to find out if/when she is coming and to keep her in the loop about what time dinner is. She gets no response, as usual. (BZC has been ignoring Bride J’s phone calls for a while at this point.) BZC finally calls Bride J as we are pulling into the restaurant and tells her she won’t be attending the bachelorette party because she had a big fucking lunch. Excuse me, but WHAT THE FUCK? One of her very best friends of over 20 years won’t come to her one and only bachelorette party because she had a big lunch?! Cue my rage.
- As I am losing my shit, Bride J is trying to keep ME calm about the situation. She is the picture of calm herself – she shrugged it off and said she figured as much. At this point, Bride J is defending BZC (which she always does for some reason). I can’t figure out why she continues to stand up for a “friend” that treats her like this, but she does. She has a bigger heart and more tolerance than I do, that’s for sure.
- BZC sends out an email telling Bride J that she won’t be helping make cupcakes, after all since she is having “an outbreak.” She has MRSA so I can only assume this is what she means. At this point I don’t fucking believe her – she hasn’t contributed a damn thing since the drama filled bridal shower. I assume she feels that she has already fulfilled her “duties” to the bride. Bride J defends her, as usual. Whatever. No one should be eating MRSA cupcakes anyway.
- Finally, the week of the wedding comes. We spend a loooong day getting everything prepared and decorating the hall for that weekend. BZC doesn’t show up to help, even though she promised to when she backed out of the wedding. HUGE surprise. I’m annoyed. Bride J defends BZC. Life carries on as usual.
- At long last, the wedding day arrives! We are at the church – guess who isn’t there? I bet you can guess!
- At the reception, the “replacement” bridesmaid asks about BZC – she wanted to give BZC her bouquet as a gesture of goodwill. (Bride J already bought BZC a corsage, but the bridesmaid didn’t know that.) Too bad BZC didn’t show up to receive either gift.
- Bride J FINALLY gets a text message late that evening. BZC had been in the hospital (still not sure what the reason is) the night before the wedding so she wasn’t feeling up to attending. Bride J is very hurt – and this time the tables are turned. I am defending BZC. Hospital stays can take a lot out of you… but not even a phone call? On THE most important day of her life? BZC was Bride J’s best friend for 20+ years and not even a phone call?
So – at this point the wedding is over. Thank FSM, right? Now I can tell this woman exactly how I feel about the shit she has pulled. I can cut her out of my life forever – I never have to deal with her or talk to her again. I don’t have to listen to Bride J defend her anymore, I don’t have to pretend to care about anything this woman says ever again. So I post this on my Facebook:
Cutting someone out of my life today! I’ve been waiting a long long time to do this – you are the most selfish person I have ever met. You make everything about YOU and YOUR needs and don’t think anything of those around you. You bully your “friends” into doing what’s best for you and you alone. I’m so glad I never have to see you or speak to you again.
She then texts me some nonsense about not having the “balls” to say it to her face. Did you all catch the irony there? She sends me a TEXT MESSAGE accusing me of not saying it TO HER FACE? Hey kettle, this is pot. You’re fucking black, FYI. For me, that was the end of her. I wasn’t going to go back and forth with someone who wasn’t in my life anymore. She posted some garbage on her facebook – so did her boyfriend – but I didn’t really care. She can post whatever she would like. I don’t have to see the shit anymore.
Little did I know that it was only the beginning for Bride J. She really wanted to keep her long term friend. She was hurt about BZC not showing up to the wedding, but she was willing to let it roll off her back and get back to the way things were. She posted something on her Facebook saying as much. BZC’s boyfriend piped in with some nasty sarcasm, but Bride J just let it slide. For some reason unknown to me, she still wanted to be friends with this woman. Bride J went on her honeymoon. There were a few short texts between her and BZC which basically ended up with BZC saying something akin to “we’ll talk later.” I wasn’t aware that when I posted my Facebook “see ya” to BZC that it would weigh so heavily on Bride J. She was now worried that BZC was mad at her for what I said, even though she had nothing to do with it. I honestly didn’t understand what she was worried about. I didn’t see how BZC could blame Bride J for something someone else said. (Unbeknownst to me until later, this is actually pretty common. BZC loves to blame Bride J for shit she has no control over. What a wonderful friend.)
Time went on and Bride J got back from her honeymoon. BZC had posted a few cryptic things on her journal and her facebook that hinted toward her being upset with Bride J. Bride J was getting more and more stressed out about the situation and was just waiting for the hammer to fall. BZC has quite a temper and Bride J was nervous about what was coming. One day last week I checked my facebook and saw a post from Bride J that said “BZC and I have parted ways.” I was stunned! What had happened? Bride J said nothing really happened. She just couldn’t wait any longer for the wrath of BZC to strike out, she finally realized that she was carrying unneeded stress due to the situation and she was just going to let the whole thing go – friendship and all. Meanwhile, Bride J had something serious come up that landed her in the hospital the very next day.
So, while Bride J is in the hospital, BZC decides to post a nasty LJ rant about what a friend “isn’t.” The post referenced a fight that BZC got into with a different friend of Bride J’s SEVERAL YEARS AGO. She obviously couldn’t let that situation go, and even though the fight was with someone else, she blamed Bride J for the whole thing. FYI – I ALSO got into a fight with this guy. He’s a dick, plain and simple. I managed NOT to blame my friend for it, somehow. Oh, wait – it’s because it wasn’t her fucking fault, that’s how.
BZC also accused her of “talking shit” about her to me. Um, NEWS FLASH: when people are upset about something, they vent to their friends about it. That’s what friends are fucking for. To talk us down, to make us feel better, to let us vent. It’s not “talking shit.” It’s getting it off your chest. You are a complete moron if you can’t see the difference. AND a hypocrite to boot – she can’t tell me she has never vented about anything to her friends – in fact, I remember a few posts in which she vented about other people. You want to tell me she didn’t share ANY of this drama with her best friend? And yes, just as Bride J thought – BZC blamed her for what I said and did. She accused Bride J of “letting” me post what I did. Since when does Bride J control what the fuck I say? Since never, that’s when. Her exact words were:
I can not get past the BS that you allowed your “best friend” to say about me and then the shit you said. I’m selfish and a bully? I guess me spending $500 on your shower was selfish.
She then goes on to speak of how unselfish she was by giving up her bridesmaid dress and not asking for “one red cent” (um, YOU backed out of the wedding. Why should anyone pay you a dime?!) and also complaining about how Bride J wanted certain things FOR HER OWN BRIDAL SHOWER (how fucking dare she?!) She also went so far as to call me a “dumbass” and a “moron” for wearing a “Maid of Honor” shirt when I was the “Matron of Honor.” Do you really think I don’t know the fucking difference? Is she living in her own little BZC bubble of ignorance? She must be. When was the last time you saw a “Matron of Honor” t-shirt kit? I bought the one I could find that was close enough – I was only wearing it for ONE NIGHT. What does she care what my shirt says, anyway? She didn’t even GO TO THE PARTY. I think she is just EXTREMELY jealous that SHE wasn’t the one wearing that shirt in the first place. (Things would have been much different if she had chosen YOU, no?)
Here is the really good part! After accusing Bride J of “allowing” me to say mean things and accusing her of not sticking up for BZC in the fight she had with the other friend, she goes on to accuse Bride J of always needing people to defend her!! What the… What?! Did you just get pissed at her for NOT DEFENDING YOU and then go on to tell her she shouldn’t let people DEFEND HER? Pot, kettle… oh, I think we’ve met already.
Stop being a coward and letting people defend you when you are capable of defending yourself.
She then tops off the post by making fun of Bride J’s panic disorder and telling her to cry in a corner. Classy lady. Who the fuck makes fun of a person’s disability?
Well, BZC decided for some reason to remove that post. I’m not sure why she took it down or made it private, maybe she realized that blaming a friend for something someone else says is unreasonable. Maybe she realized that she was still holding a grudge from something that happened YEARS AGO – another thing Bride J had no control over – and concluded it was silly. Maybe she didn’t want all of her other LJ friends to know that she actually makes fun of people’s disabilities. I doubt any of that – I’m sure she removed the post for purely SELFISH reasons. She obviously didn’t have the BALLS to say that stuff to Bride J’s FACE. When confronted about it, she also lied and pretended she didn’t know what Bride J was talking about. Really? She’s a fucking hypocrite twice over and now a fucking LIAR on top of it.
BZC finally decided to confront Bride J via email. Bear in mind, Bride J is STILL in the hospital dealing with some awful stuff. The last thing she needs is bullshit from this liar and hypocrite, but she gets it anyway. BZC says, among other things, “You are a lying big mouth stalker that talks shit when you have no reason to” and “You are loyal to no one but yourself. You are a back stabber and a shit starter. You are not a good friend to anyone!” and calls Bride J a “spineless pussy ass bitch.” She rants on and on about “talking shit.” She uses the phrase several times because Bride J had a conversation with BZC’s sister – years ago – about BZC. She brings up the fight she got into with the other guy – years ago – again and Bride J “letting” him say mean stuff. Again I ask you – how the FUCK was Bride J supposed to stop anyone from saying anything? I guarantee you that she didn’t WANT him to say nasty stuff. She didn’t LET him do a damn thing. He did it all by himself. She’s not “letting” me post this rant, either. In fact, she will most likely be mortified when she reads this and she will beg me to take it down. She begged me NOT to confront BZC about the bridal shower and I did it anyway. Again, she isn’t “allowing” or “letting” her friends do shit. But… you guys have picked up the pattern, right? She’ll get blamed for it anyway.
Bride J finally got out of the hospital after a week long stay. She took the high road. She didn’t respond to all of the nasty accusations, the name calling, and the poking fun at her disability. She’s not “curling up into a little ball” and hiding from the situation, either. She has truly decided to let it go. I really wanted to follow her suit, too. I wanted to let it go and say nothing, but it turns out that I can’t do that.
Dear Bridesmaidzilla C:
I had to respond because I’ve sat around for years and watched her get bullied by you. I’ve watched her try and try to be your friend when you ignored all of her attempts to call you or contact you – and then you accuse her of not being there for you. You only wanted her around when it was convenient for you. I’ve watched you blame her for shit she had no control over. I saw her disappointment when you couldn’t be bothered to attend her bachelorette party. And her heartbreak when you didn’t even call her, much less show up for her wedding. She wanted SO DESPERATELY for you to be a part of her big day. She really wanted you there – LONG after I thought you were a lost cause. I KNEW you wouldn’t show up for the wedding. I FUCKING KNEW IT.
It makes me sad – and angry – that I had to watch her go through that. She didn’t deserve to be treated that way, no matter what you say. And YOU don’t deserve HER as your friend. Bride J is one of the most caring, selfless, thoughtful people I have ever met. She would do anything for any of her friends – and her real friends see that and always have. If you needed her and called her – she would be there for you. She would drop everything and be there for you. She stood up for you in the face of her other friends. People like myself who thought you were poison for her – who saw you for who you really are. She defended you and you didn’t fucking deserve it. And so you know: these are MY OWN WORDS. She didn’t ask me to stand up for her, she doesn’t know I am posting this and she certainly isn’t “letting” me do this. She wanted this to be over with and here I am opening it back up again, so more than likely this post will just upset her. I am sorry if that happens, but I am NOT sorry that I am posting it. I will never understand what your beef with me really was. I never did ANYTHING to you, I barely even knew you except for your LJ/Facebook posts. I believe that it may have been fueled from jealousy, but at this point I don’t care to understand it. I wanted to get this off my chest and now I have. It is the last word you will ever hear from me. Feel free to respond if you must, but I am DONE. I don’t give a shit what you have to say about ANYTHING – you don’t even fucking exist to me anymore.
Dear Everyone Else:
Sorry this got so damn long – I said a lot more than I had planned. It will take me a few minutes to make this look decent in LJ, so if it borks your flist, just give it a few minutes. Like I said in the beginning, you may leave comments if you wish – if you even got through the whole post – but I really wrote this for myself. Thanks for letting me vent about this situation. Or “talk shit” depending on who you ask.